All That Matters To Me (One-Shot)
by LadyClassical
Summary: Near the end of their second year, James is desperate to know what's bothering his best friend. Sirius is reluctant to tell, fearing that James might judge him for his family's fascination with Dark Magic. And he's just as reluctant to expose a vulnerable side of him James has never seen before. Switches between points of view. WARNING: INCLUDES SCENES OF CHILD ABUSE. DLDR.


_June 1973_

Second-year James Potter was awoken in the middle of the night by someone either screaming or crying, he wasn't sure which as he was still a little groggy. When he lifted his head up he saw that it was coming from the bed next to his again.

This had been going on for some time now. Last year, when they'd first met, Sirius had seemed all right on the train. James had been incredibly happy to find that he'd be sharing a dorm with him. But later, after they were all asleep, James had been awoken by Sirius actually crying. But, not knowing how to deal with it and not knowing Sirius from a hole in the ground, James hadn't said anything.

For the next week, Sirius never slept well. James finally confronted him about it, but Sirius told him he was afraid of spiders and insects and always dreamed about them stinging and biting him. James had accepted this, since the things he would scream at night ("leave me alone", "get away from me", "that hurts", etc.) were perfectly applicable to something like that.

This got less and less bad as their first year went on, and Sirius seemed to get happier. James forgot all about it until the end of the year, when the dreams came back. But when James confronted Sirius again, he got the same response.

The next fall, it was the same thing, only the night terrors were worse. Less crying and much, much more screaming. It freaked James the hell out, but Sirius said there had been a rodent infestation at his house last summer, and he was afraid of those too. It took three weeks for Sirius's night terrors to clear up that time. Now, they would be going home tomorrow, finishing up their second year, and things were worse than ever. Remus was knocked out because of the recent full moon, and Peter was always a heavy sleeper, but James wasn't. He put his pillows over his ears and tried to ignore whatever Sirius was going on about.

But he couldn't, because this time the words intrigued him.

…

 _Sirius didn't feel like coming out of his room ever, but this wasn't an option. His parents would want him to eat with the Gaunts, even though he wasn't hungry at all. Alfie, his goat, was curled up next to him on the floor, and Sirius was patting the goat's neck, trying not to cry, remembering what his mother had told him._

" _I know why my mum hits me," he was mumbling, as Alfie brayed sympathetically. "Why she hates me. It's because—it's because she knows. She knows what I know. She-she knows I'm—she knows…"_

 _Sirius didn't want to say it, because he couldn't. But Alfie was looking at him with his big goat eyes and saying,_ It's all right, you can tell me _._

" _She knows I'm a Mudblood, Alfie," Sirius blurted, his throat feeling tight. "I-I mean, how could I not be? Because I know…" Tears were now falling from Sirius's striking gray eyes. "I know I don't have the Dark Magic inside me. It doesn't make me happy, it's just…I don't like it. It's scary. And I don't know why the Mudbloods can't be our friends._

" _One time my daddy brought her this rope," Sirius continued, and at the memory of the rope, he really did start to cry. It was just too horrible. "It-it strangled Mudbloods, Alfie. I-I knew it, b-because my daddy s-said so…and I-I really w-wanted to get rid of it…th-throw it away…but I knew…I knew it would strangle me!"_

 _Sirius knew the rope was still in their house in the drawing room, and he didn't dare touch it. His daddy said it would strangle anyone who wasn't a pureblood. It was his first memory, and one of his worst—his parents laughing and trying to decide where to put the rope, and himself, just crying in the corner…Most children ran to greet their daddies came home. But Sirius ran away._

" _Don't let them take you too, Alfie." Sirius hugged the goat around its neck and stifled another sob. "Please leave before the Gaunts use you for their Dark Arts."_

No need to worry. I will.

" _I'll leave the door open for you, okay?" Sirius continued, wiping tears out of his eyes. "When they call me downstairs. As soon as the foyer is empty and they're in the dining room, you go out the front door and—and run as fast as you can."_

 _Sirius was sad to lose his new friend, but that was the only way Alfie could survive. His animal friends never stayed with him, anyway. Tomorrow he would be lonely again, with nothing but his mother, father, Regulus and that accursed Kreacher for company._

When Sirius felt his mother's hand on his shoulder the dream changed…it felt so real…he was older now. This was only last summer…still so clear…

" _HOW DARE YOU!" Walburga shrieked over and over. "HOW DARE YOU! GRYFFINDOR! YOU HAVE SHAMED YOUR FAMILY NAME! YOU HAVE SHAMED ALL OF WIZARDKIND!"_

 _The hand moved from his shoulder to around his neck and the shock and force knocked him to the ground. Somewhere he heard Regulus crying and a saw a blurred vision of his brother being led away. He knew what this meant, it was for the most severe of offenses._

" _One lash for each day you've spent in Gryffindor, that seems appropriate," Walburga snarled, and there was only contempt and hatred in her face as she brought the belt down on the boy she called her son._

" _NO!" he shouted. "NO, NOT THE BELT!"_

But before it could happen, before it could hit him again, Sirius felt himself being shaken again, hard. He was disoriented, but was shocked to see a pair of hazel eyes staring back at him.

"Sirius, I'm not wearing a belt," James whispered. "Just pajamas. See?"

"James…" Sirius tried to sit up in bed, but he was shaking too hard. "What—what are you doing up?"

"You woke me," said James. "You were screaming some crazy stuff."

"Like what?" Sirius asked nervously.

"Well, you were going on about a goat and a rope and then you said something about strangling Muggle-borns…and you used the _M-word_ ," said James, his eyes widening. "So I grabbed you by the shoulder to wake you up, but you didn't. You just started shaking and thrashing and then you started screaming about a belt. So I shook you really hard and…well, here we are."

"That was _you_ who grabbed my shoulder?"

"Well, who else would it be?" asked James, confused.

"Nobody," said Sirius quickly.

"Why would you say the M-word?" James asked. "I've never heard you say it in your life."

"I did when I was really little," Sirius admitted. "I-I didn't know it was wrong, that's all. I thought that was the normal term for Muggle-born people."

"What do you mean, you didn't know it's wrong?" James sounded even more concerned. "Of course it's wrong."

Sirius just shrugged. How could he explain this to anyone, even his best friend? He knew that even though James was a pureblood like he was, his family was Reformed, not Traditional. That was why they weren't in the pureblood directory and why their families had never met before. None of the other purebloods wanted to talk to them. Not only that, but James himself hated the Dark Arts more than anything. Of course James knew Sirius hated the Dark Arts just as much as he did, and he knew Sirius's family was Traditional, because otherwise they would have met.

But what James didn't know, what nobody knew, was that Sirius's family wasn't all they appeared to be. He didn't know they had always tried to force Sirius to be a Dark wizard, too. He didn't know they kept Sirius inside all day because they didn't want him playing with Muggle children. He didn't know Sirius had been hit by a belt over and over once summer vacation started, one lash for each day he'd spent in Gryffindor. He didn't know about the Dark rituals Sirius's parents had performed right in front of him and Regulus, even when they were children.

Orion and Walburga hadn't sent Sirius a Howler or even an angry letter once they got the news of his Sorting, because they didn't want anyone to know what went on at home. If Sirius's mother ever left any lasting marks on him, she would heal them with magic before anyone else had a chance to see. She had only hit him once in public, and that was when he was about four and had started crying when they had to buy some sort of poison at Borgin and Burkes. The masks had scared him, too. Borgin hadn't seemed to mind.

Either way, what Sirius feared was that if James knew the true extent of his background, maybe he wouldn't be interested in being friends anymore. Maybe he would think Sirius was going to go down the same road as the rest of his terrible family. After all, sometimes Sirius feared that himself. Or perhaps James would simply be shocked upon seeing a part of his best friend he hadn't seen before. Sirius liked the image he'd cultivated at school—handsome, funny, popular, self-confident. Many days, especially near the end of the school year, he had worked hard to fake a smile and a laugh even for his closest friends. He didn't want to be vulnerable in front of anybody. True, James had been perfectly willing to accept Remus for who he was, but Sirius's secret was so much worse…

But James was still staring into Sirius's eyes, waiting for a response.

"The goat was just my pet, that's all," Sirius said, deciding he could tell James about Alfie—or, at least, some of that story. "I named him after my Uncle Alphard."

"And the rope?" said James, raising an eyebrow.

"I used it to tie the goat to an armchair," Sirius invented.

"So what was the bit about strangling Muggle-borns?" James demanded.

Sirius had to say _something_. Anything would be better than keeping quiet now.

"You…you must have misheard," Sirius told him. "I would never say anything like that. I'm just a normal kid from a normal family."

"You must have a pretty messed-up idea of what a normal family is, then," James said harshly. "I _know_ you would never say anything about strangling Muggle-borns. So who did?!"

"Nobody did!" Sirius insisted, but James knew he was lying, so he said so.

"Just tell me the truth, Sirius," he said. "I promise I won't tell anyone."

Sirius hesitated.

"At least tell me what the dream was about?" James pleaded.

"Well…okay," Sirius said reluctantly. "You see, my dad brought home this goat, and I brought him up to my room. Named him Alfie. Then I let him go because even though I really liked him, it was more important that he lived—"

"What do you mean, that he lived? I thought he was your pet!"

Sirius realized what had slipped out and started to panic. He was remembering it again. Before the Gaunts had arrived at their house for the ritual where Alfie was supposed to be sacrificed, Sirius had come downstairs and asked to go outside again. One thing led to another and it had ended the same way it always had…

" _Come on, Mum, you never let me leave this house! Mudbloods have more fun than we do!"_

" _That's because they are poorly educated, small-brained and unworthy to study magic!"_

" _Why not? They have magic in them, just like we do, so why shouldn't they get to—"_

" _Silence!" Sirius was interrupted when his mother hit him hard across the face. "Don't you let me catch you saying something like that ever again!"_

 _Sirius didn't say anything; his eyes were tearing up from the blow. But this just seemed to anger his mother further._

" _Big boys," she snapped, jabbing her wand in between his eyes, "DON'T cry. Now get!"_

The difference between 1964 and 1973 was fading considerably all of a sudden. Sirius had the horrible feeling the dorm was closing in on him. He'd flashed back to his childhood during the day before but never when anyone was around. It seemed that his mother, screaming at him about something or other, would burst through the door at any moment, one side of his brain insisting this wasn't possible, the other thinking anything was possible now…His vision blurred…There he was again, crying in the corner while his parents laughed, holding the rope that would strangle anyone whose blood wasn't pure…the Dark rituals, bringing tears to his eyes and a combination of fear and disgust to his insides, which turned to ice as he saw the blood and flesh alike that had to be sacrificed—even his own, once—

"Sirius! SIRIUS!" It was someone shouting again…James was slapping Sirius's cheek with one hand, his other hand on Sirius's heart.

"James," Sirius choked.

"Don't speak, mate, just breathe," James said frantically. "It's going to be okay, just relax…You're here at school with me, not home. You're safe."

Sirius did what James said, and breathed deeply, until he felt a little calmer.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well, I think you had a panic attack," James told him. "You were talking about how you wanted to keep your pet but it was more important for him to live…What happened to Alfie, Sirius?"

"He escaped safely," Sirius groaned. "But not all of them did."

"Your parents did _that?"_ James asked him in disbelief. "They sacrificed animals?"

"Yes," Sirius admitted, since it wasn't really a question. "For Dark rituals."

"That's illegal!"

"They don't care," Sirius told him. "Besides, just how well do you think that was enforced?"

"Good point." James bit his lip in concern. "But still…"

…

This information was making its way into James's brain. He was sharp, and the pieces were coming together. How could he have believed what Sirius had told him about fearing vermin? All along, those dreams had been about Sirius's family, apparently a family of bad Dark wizards. James knew Sirius's family was Traditional. But just how extreme, he hadn't known until now. He had to find out more.

"What else do they do, Sirius?" James asked. "Are they really Dark wizards? I always thought they were just Traditionals."

Sirius didn't say anything at first. But then his gray eyes looked directly into James's hazel ones. It was one of those moments where you could almost literally feel your heart breaking. Sirius's arms were folded on the pillow in front of him. His hair was hanging in his eyes, like usual, but it was soaked in sweat. His eyes weren't laughing like they typically were, though; they were full of fear and they were rapidly filling with tears, shining like diamonds. James reached out to put his hand on Sirius's shoulder and the other boy flinched, but James didn't pull his hand away.

"Just tell the truth," James said, as gently as he could.

…

Sirius had been horrified to have a panic attack, and then the story of Alfie the goat, from so long ago, when he was only five, had come out. Now James wanted to know the rest of what went on at home…Sirius was wondering what to tell him when their eyes locked.

And suddenly Sirius felt something in his heart he'd never felt before. He didn't know what it was, but all of a sudden he felt a little safer, and warmer, as if he had just taken a sip of hot chocolate. He felt his eyes filling with hot tears and suddenly he did want to share with James everything bad that happened to him…no, he _needed_ to share it…and then he realized what this new feeling was. It was trust. The pure, unconditional trust that comes with true friendship.

James put his hand on Sirius's shoulder.

"Just tell the truth," he said.

"Fine," Sirius mumbled. "You want everything?"

"Everything."

Sirius didn't refuse this time. He didn't just tell James about the Dark Magic and the rituals, but also what his parents didn't want anyone to see, the part that made him eventually start to cry, but he couldn't help it…For so long, he hadn't told anyone of this. And now James was listening, his eyes almost as wide as a house-elf's, but he still had both arms around Sirius, doing his best to help his friend.

"I-I really don't want to go back there," Sirius was sobbing. "I just feel like I can't, sometimes…like I can't make it…"

"You can visit me during summer vacation, get away from them for a bit," James reminded him. "I'll do what I can from now on. I promise."

"What?" Sirius finally stopped crying then, and looked up at his friend in shock.

"Well, we _are_ friends, you know."

"But you hate Dark Magic," said Sirius. "I thought maybe…if you learned where I really come from, what my home life is really like…you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore."

"That's silly, Sirius," said James, trying to smile. "It doesn't matter if your family are the Darkest of wizards ever. All that matters is who _you_ are. I can tell you're nothing like them. I've never cared where someone comes from or if there's something a little off about them. As long as they're a good friend, fun to be around, that's all that matters to me."

Sirius finally smiled too and opened his arms to hug it out.

"That's all that matters to me too."

-the end-


End file.
